Are you waiting to be chosen?

Dear Beautiful Powerful Single Woman,

Are you The Chooser in your relationships? Or do you wait and go with whomever shows up?

Relationship expert David Steele writes, “Choosers know what they want and how to get it. Choosers take responsibility for what happens and know that they are in charge of their lives. Being a Chooser takes a certain amount of confidence and effort, but anyone can be one! Finding the love of your life is not about hoping to be picked. You need to know yourself so that you can be The Chooser, rather than waiting to be chosen. Being The Chooser means taking initiative and responsibility for your outcomes: you are in charge of creating what you want in life. You do not restrict yourself to what or who chooses you.”

It makes me think about how I was raised. I picked up the messages that first as a child and then as a woman I am to wait to be chosen. I grew up with some old-fashioned ideas – many of which I celebrate – but some of which I now question. This is one of them. So much of my life has been spent waiting to be chosen, waiting to be noticed and recognized, not only in relationships with men but also in other areas of life.

When we’re not The Chooser, we drift into and out of relationships, careers, even homes. We take what falls into our laps, what comes our way, what feels easy. We get to settle for the life that we have; and we get to blame our mother, our boss, our ex-husband, our ex-best friend, our neighbor, the other driver, the men who aren’t showing up, and anyone else; and we get to be right about it.

Think of an area in your life in which you’re not completely satisfied. How have you let circumstances or other people dictate who you will be in this area? Now consider what might be possible if you became The Chooser in this area. What choices are available to you? Is it really the circumstances or other people who are keeping you stuck here? Or is it instead your own choice? Perhaps changing the situation might require some bold risky action that you have been unwilling to take. Recognizing that you have CHOSEN this part of your life and you are responsible, might change your perspective about it. How might your relationship to this situation change if you owned it like that? How might that affect how you relate to others?

Share your thoughts with me. I’d love to hear from you.


  1. Hi Fawn,

    Thank you; I resonate with your succinct thoughts on this resonate. I grew up in a similar environment and I often catch myself focused on what everyone else might want before even noticing/choosing what my own preference might be. And then there was the, “take the small piece” message we got. And “let others go first.” So I also catch myself limiting the extent to which I let myself choose. I stop at 80%. My practice is to give myself the space to choose what I want, see if I’ve only gone part way, and then go from there.

    • Fawn

      Thanks for your comment, Janet. It’s so pervasive in our culture (and every other culture as well, I believe). It takes a conscious effort to retrain ourselves to even be aware of what we want, and then to have the courage to ask for it! No wonder so many women find themselves in toxic or better-than-nothing relationships. I like your practice, and even measuring the extent to which you let yourself choose – 80%. Thanks for sharing. xoxo

  2. Jill H

    I️ resonate with this too. I️ see a man I’m interested in and wait to be chosen. How do we break out of that?

    My keyboard seems to have the flu. Sigh.

    • Fawn

      Hi Jill,
      Well there are simple ways that we can “choose” him while still allowing him to take the lead, i.e. be in his masculine.

      Striking up a simple conversation with a comment or question. Always making eye contact and smiling. Being 100% genuine, open, and kind. In other words, letting him know that you’re interested, but let him do the pursuing. Men are just as afraid of rejection as we are, so letting them know that it’s OK to approach you can really help. It’s OK to flirt!

      There’s much more to this, but these are a few little first steps. Let me know if you’d like to go deeper.


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