“Hot dogs. I can’t tell you how many I ate as a child,” my friend remarked.
“When I was little, I always, always ordered the cheapest thing on the menu when our family of five went out to eat. I would scan the menu and invariably order a hot dog, the least expensive thing on the menu.”
“Why did you do that?” I asked.
“I must have been afraid about money. I remember that I didn’t want to cost my family anything.”
“Can you see how that fear has carried into your relationships?”
“Hummmm. Good question.”
My friend was having a beautiful A-Ha moment. Like many of the single women I work with, there was something in the atmosphere of her household when she was a child that was not healthy. However, if you ask her what she is seeking in a long-term committed relationship, her response would resonate with most single women I work with.
Extraordinary love. Intimacy. Spiritual oneness. Best friend. The guy who would walk across a crowded room (or shark infested waters!) to be with me. A real man who laughs quickly, listens well and loves long.
Yet, her latent fear that “there might not be enough,” is toxic to her vision of having a healthy, beautiful partnership. What if her man wanted to lavish the world upon her – and she balked at receiving all that he desired for her?
“Hummm..” is right!
On this score, my dear friend is far from alone. As human beings, we simply do not realize the water we swam in growing up. For some, perhaps you, the prevailing atmosphere in your home was anger, co-dependence, abuse, work-hard-to-earn-acceptance, or maybe simply just a world of silence where every one went sulking to their own corners – no one allowed to talk through their feelings or problems. And this atmosphere feels normal to us – which is why we gravitate to and attract those who perpetuate it.
Take if from me. Whether our childhood was wonderfully affirming or painfully critical, our lives today are driven largely by the beliefs we adopted as children. Small wonder relationships blow up, fizzle out, or don’t exist. Without doing some honest self-discovery, we will continue to find ourselves in relationships that repeat the dysfunctions of our childhood.
Thank God, we have the wonderful capacity to choose and change. None of us, despite how good or awful our childhood, have to continue swimming in the muddy waters of our upbringing.
We were created to be whole, healthy, happy, and fulfilled. This is what our spirit, soul, and bodies intuitively know and seek after.
So, how do we identify the water that we’ve been swimming in? Try this test.
1. Look at your relationships. What pattern in your own behavior keeps repeating?
Are you someone who waits on others hand and foot? Are you the “let me do this for you” gal, always available and willing to sacrifice your time and energy? Do the men you keep attracting want a little mommy to take care of them?
Maybe you have been work first, play later because Work is King? Are the men you attract in the Type-A category?
Again, what is the pattern that you are experiencing now?
2. Then, ask yourself, “How does this pattern reflect my childhood?” What messages did you receive as a child that reinforced this pattern?
If you do this work, you will discover the behaviors you developed in order to feel safe or accepted.
For my friend, there was clearly something in her parent’s attitude about frugality that rubbed off in a big negative way. Somehow, she received positive praise for disowning her true desires and living on the cheap, so to speak.
I invite you, like I invited my friend, to start saying ‘yes’ to yourself. To give your desires full permission. Say a huge ‘NO!’ to what doesn’t feel good to you. Don’t settle. It’s time to say ‘yes’ to you.”
Yes. It’s time for you to swim in new waters, to dream, and to fully be your beautiful, powerful self.
Wishing you a wonderful day,
Fawn
