Dear Beautiful, Powerful, Single Woman.
I want to share something with you that’s deeply personal and vulnerable.
My dear friend Candace died recently. Tomorrow, friends from around the world are coming together to celebrate her life and grieve her passing together. She had been battling cancer for many years, and had won for most of those. But it finally caught up with her and we lost her. My heart is so heavy and achy I can barely see through my tears as I write this to you. But I want to bring you into my own heart and share with you her story.
You may have found me through my Facebook post which simply poses the question, “Does True Love Exist?”. So many of the comments below that question are a resounding NO! It doesn’t. Women talk about how they’ve been hurt too many times, how good men don’t exist, how anyone who says they are “happily married” is just lying, no one is really in love.
It is hard to read.
Because I KNOW it’s not true. True love DOES exist.
Let me tell you about my friend Candace who left us too soon.
She’s just 3 years older than I am. She was single for her whole life, until the age of about 40.
She had had relationships, but none of them seemed to last. They were with men who didn’t honor her or were unwilling or not ready to commit. And she wasn’t about to compromise. So she held out and pursued her own dream for her life. She went to Nicaragua and worked as a medical assistant at an orphanage. Learned to speak Spanish fluently, and fell in love with the people there. In fact, Candace fell in love with everyone she met, and the feeling was always mutual. She was open, present, generous, humorous, and deeply in touch with reality. She kept healthy boundaries and had no problem saying NO when something didn’t suit her.
Shortly after she returned to Santa Rosa, she reconnected with an old friend, my friend Richard. Richard had been through a nasty divorce. But he was finding his feet again, and started seeing Candace. They connected because they shared the same core values, and because they were both open to love and commitment.
Just a few months after they reconnected, Candace was diagnosed with breast cancer. Some of us, who knew Richard, wondered if he would walk away. But he didn’t. He leaned in. He was there for her through her treatments, driving down to Stanford Hospital and sitting with her while she had a stem-cell transplant which almost killed her. Taking her home after her mastectomy.
And then he proposed. She said yes. As soon as she finished her chemo treatment, they were married in a sweet backyard wedding.
Fortunately, she pulled through that bout with cancer, and she and Richard enjoyed thirteen years of uninterrupted love and good health. They weren’t perfect, but they were the perfect match for each other. My friend Kim and I called them the Bickersons. Because he would start to tell a story and she would interrupt and say, “No! That’s not how it went!” And then they would argue. And then she would set the record straight. We’d all laugh, and bask in the love we all had for each other.
Candace completed her education and became a Registered Nurse, and began working in a local free community clinic where she could communicate with the Spanish speaking community, mostly undocumented. She took a lower salary than she would have received at one of the hospitals in town, but she wasn’t in it for the money. She cared about the young mothers who feared deportation.
Whenever someone else in our community of friends had to battle cancer, (and sadly there have been more than a few) Candace was there. To advocate for them to get the best care, answer their questions, and provide hope. Because, after all, she had beat it herself.
But cancer taught Candace and Richard one thing that has deeply impressed me. Life is meant to be lived. They embraced every moment together. I have a video that Richard took of her dancing around the kitchen in her pajamas to “This Little Light Of Mine.”
They flew to Hawaii every October just for fun, and made so many friends there among the locals, that they just stayed with them whenever they went.
Candace loved snail mail. So, Richard would buy cards and mail them to her at random times so that she would find a surprise in their mail box. She would always light up when she found one of his cards.
Candace received a new diagnosis of cancer a few years back. Had to have her other breast removed and endure chemo and radiation again. And again, it went into remission.
And then, last year, it showed up again. Only this time it had spread to her organs.
Again they fought it together. They slowed it down. They still lived life every single day together. Eventually her bad days became more frequent than her good days.
And finally she took a turn for the worse. Ended up in the hospital, and there was nothing more to do.
Through all of this journey, Richard was there. Never wavering. Always faithful. Always loving. His grief now is as deep as his love, which is enormous.
Does true love exist? Yes, my dear sweet powerful woman. It does. Is it rare? I’m afraid so. But it’s only rare because we make it rare. We can CREATE true love. Candace and Richard did.
Are there men out there with that kind of character? Yes. There are. The real question is, are you a woman with that kind of character? Do you have what it takes to love someone truly? And to allow them, with an open hand, to love you in return? Because men of that character are looking for those women.
I weep for my friend Richard. His loss is so profound. And, I know, he wouldn’t change a thing. I weep for myself, because I have lost a bright light in my own life. But I’m filled with gratitude because of this woman who dared to love – and the man she attracted and married.
You may be at the place in your own life that says, “It’s time.” “I’m tired of playing the dating game. Now is the time for me to find real love.” And you may feel overwhelmed and lost about how to do it. But you are tired of blaming men, or society, or the “dating scene”, and you know it’s up to you to make a shift.
But that’s true for you, then resolve in your heart that you will say yes. Yes to love. Yes to life. Yes to being THE woman that a man of character and commitment is looking for. Reach out for support.
Your life, I promise you, will never be the same.
Thanks for your love,
