Dear Beautiful, Powerful, Single, Professional Woman,
Most of us have a pattern in our relationships. We keep attracting, or are attracted to, the same type of person. It might be a certain personality trait, or financial status, or a specific look, background, or just a way of being.
Have you noticed the similarities? Do you find yourself repeating the same relationship over and over again – just with a different person?
And it always seems to end in a similar way?
If so, then you, my beautiful Virago Lover, are stuck in a pattern.
So what is that pattern, and, more importantly, how do you change it?
I’m so glad you asked.
Psychotherapist and author Ken Page, in his book Deeper Dating, identifies two types of attraction. The Attraction of Inspiration and the Attraction of Deprivation.
Let’s talk about the second one first.
You walk into a crowded party, scan the room, and immediately catch the eye of a great looking guy who immediately notices you. The chemistry is instant. No one else exists at that party and you are swept off your feet. The next day, you call your girlfriends and tell them you’ve found “THE ONE”! It’s hot. It’s instant. You’re sure you’ve never felt this way before.
But after some time, some familiar patterns show up. He starts to look or act a lot like the last guy – and perhaps the guy before him – and before him…. all the way back to dear old Dad.
And you find yourself reacting in a similar way too. Repeating old ways of relating, having similar fights, dismissing your intuition.
It finally ends. Your heart is broken. And you are alone, once again.
Let’s break this down a bit. You have just exercised your Attraction of Deprivation.
There’s a part of your heart, where you were wounded before, that is feeling deprived, and desperately wants to be made whole again. When you walked into that party and scanned the room, your ego, that inner voice in your head, just beneath your conscious mind, saw the guy and said something like, “Oh good! There’s someone much like the one who hurt me the last time. He’s even like my dad who hurt me. Let’s get together with him, only this time we’ll get it right!” We tell ourselves, we’ll do better, we’ll be better, we won’t make the same mistakes. It will be different. We can finally heal that wounded part in us. There’s so much chemistry. But the chemistry you feel, is actually the dopamine hit that soothes your wound, but does not heal it.
So, let’s look at the Attraction of Inspiration.
You walk into the same party and scan the room. There are a number of interesting people there, and you strike up conversations with several people. Everyone is interesting. You see the guy in the back of the room, you feel that old familiar tug, but your intuition checks in and reminds you to steer clear. Instead you find yourself talking with someone who shares the same passions that you do. As you talk, you notice that he seems to value the things you value. You probably don’t feel big stirring chemistry, but you find yourself feeling confident and inspired by the conversation. You decide to meet up again for more
conversation and a genuine friendship develops. You get to know each other. You’re comfortable around his friends, and your own friends really like him. Maybe you decide to plan something around your shared passion. This is an attraction of inspiration. He doesn’t complete you. He inspires you. And you inspire him. This is the good soil where genuine love can begin to grow. Chemistry develops, but it doesn’t consume you. Relationships
based on attractions of inspiration are the ones that last. They have far less drama because your attraction is not based on your core wound, it’s based on your shared values.
So, how do you make this shift? (This is where you draw up your inner warrior.)
- First step is to recognize your patterns, and the unresolved trauma that fuels them.
- Next is to begin the work of resolving that trauma and shifting those patterns.
- With the renewed energy that gets released when that trauma resolves, begin identifying and nurturing your own unique core values: your highest self that went into hiding after you were hurt.
- his brings personal freedom, fulfillment, healing, confidence, and joy.
- From that place, those attractions of inspiration come naturally and easily. And that other guy? Doesn’t even get your notice.
On your Break Through Into Love Consultation, we’ll get into it together. We’ll identify your
patterns and their source. And we’ll lay out your personal roadmap that will guide you to
those attractions of inspiration.
If you think you’re ready to roll up your sleeves and commit to this process to finally get off
the relationship merry-go-round and create real and lasting love, click here and complete
this brief questionnaire. This will help us both know if this consultation is the best next step
for you.
P.S. What is Virago?
Virago is the ancient word for a heroic woman of extraordinary stature, strength, and courage.
Virago Love is the transformation that takes place when a woman decides that she is no longer going to passively allow her family patterns, societal dysfunction, religious trauma, fears, faulty beliefs, or past disappointments to rob her of the life and love she was born to experience. It’s the boldness to stand in the face of cynicism and doubt and declare I am here, and I am worthy to be both fully seen and deeply loved.
