I’ve been enjoying and relating to the book, If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? by Susan Page. She talks about the things that we do to sabotage our potential for creating real lasting intimate love.
For some – for various reasons – relationships of any kind are elusive. We’ll cover that in another letter, but today I want to talk about BTN relationships.
BTN stands for Better Than Nothing.
Boy, can I relate to this one! Can you? It was like, wow, I did not like not being in a relationship. I was waiting for God to bring the right guy, and God was taking his own sweet time. So, while I was waiting, I passed the time by getting involved with guys who were not right for me. They were kind, or they made me laugh, or they were great friend material, but they were not the One, and I knew it.
It would feel good for a while. It would fill the days, and evenings, give me someone to be with, and make me feel not so alone. But I was always stuffing this nagging and growing dread that this would have to end.
Ultimately, when the person started getting more serious, I would break it off. Oh how devastatingly painful for me and for him. And then, after a short while, when I got tired of being alone,
I. would. do. it. again.
Oh my, the agony of all those painful breakups on my way to true love.
Sometimes it’s the other way around and you are his BTN. Ouch.
The problem with BTN relationships is that
A. They are painful. They not only hurt you, but they also hurt the other person.
Face it, Girlfriend. If you’re in a BTN relationship you are using another human being to fill your own needs at their expense, and/or they are using you. And
B. They suck up your time and energy. While you’re in the BTN relationship you are unavailable for The One who may be right next to you but you’re not available.
So, how do you get out of this rut?
First of all, recognize what you are doing and STOP. Create some space for yourself to do the internal work that will result in external success.
Next, spend some time to get to KNOW YOURSELF. Know your core values, what lights you up, brings you fulfillment? What are your relationship patterns? What is the cycle that repeats all the time? This is very likely based on a survival strategy that served you well in the past, but now has you stuck in a loop. Focus on transforming those strategies so that you can make better relationship choices. Identify what you truly need and desire, and own it. Unashamed.
Then, OWN YOUR LIFE. Embrace your full self, even your shadows. Learn to see yourself fully and love the whole beautiful mess. Transform your shame stories into beautiful stories of transformation. Learn to set healthy boundaries to protect and honor that amazing self of yours.
Finally, OPEN YOUR HEART to the magic that will inevitably follow all this hard work. Allow yourself to trust yourself enough to trust someone else. Take bold risks. And watch for and receive the love that is coming your way.
Does this feel overwhelming? It doesn’t have to be. It’s the work my clients are doing every day – with tremendous success. You are a Virago. A LOVE WARRIOR. You have everything you need. All you need is the courage to take yourself on. But, for sure, don’t try this alone. Get support. From me or from someone else. I don’t care. Just don’t stay stuck. Your life is too precious to spend it in BTN relationships.
Click here if you’d like to explore working with me.
In the meantime, be strong Girlfriend! Here’s a little throw-back inspiration from the late Nat King Cole and his daugher Natalie Cole to keep you going… When I Fall In Love
Sending you giant hugs,
Fawn
